On October 20, 2026, I arrived in Playa Blanca, Costa Rica, for a seven-day ayahuasca retreat at Soltara Healing Center.
I wasn’t there for a vacation. I wasn’t there to escape my life.
I was there because I knew I was broken, and I wanted nothing more than to feel better.
The truth is, I have an incredible amount to be thankful for. More than the average bear, as I like to say. I have a beautiful life, an amazing daughter, people who love me, and blessings I don’t take for granted.
But I was miserable.
I was either sad or angry, and somewhere in between, I had mastered the art of creating an artificial peace.
On the outside, I could appear perfectly fine. I could smile, socialize, laugh, and carry on with life.
On the inside, I was anything but peaceful.
And trust? Forget it.
I trusted NO ONE.
I had become so accustomed to disappointment, betrayal, and protecting myself that I couldn’t seem to turn it off. My mind was constantly revisiting the past or preparing for the future.
I was physically present in my life, but emotionally, I was somewhere else entirely.
And I was tired of living that way.
So when a mentor suggested an ayahuasca retreat in Costa Rica, I didn’t hesitate. He was no stranger to feeling ugly inside and looked at me in a way that made me know he understood what I was going through (rock bottom was his description). So, I booked an intro call and secured a space within 48 hours.
I continued to spiral for a month leading up to this adventure, but I was committed.
I followed most preparation guidelines. I definitely could have done better on the dieta, but in those final weeks I worked on my “brain health.” I was ready to Jedi this journey, pouring ancient philosophy and meditations into my mental space. I eliminated distractions, noise, and constant connection to a world I desperately needed to disconnect from.
I wasn’t going halfway.
I was going to give myself every opportunity to heal.
What happened over the next seven days is difficult to put into words.
There were ceremonies, tears, laughter, extraordinary people, and experiences I’m still processing.
And there was one night in particular that changed something deep inside me.
During our second ceremony, as Javier sang to me, I purged from the very pit of my stomach. Yes, physically vomited. But what I experienced in that moment felt like so much more than a physical reaction.
It felt as though I was purging a vessel of pain I had buried deep inside myself.
Something I had carried for years. Something I hadn’t been able to reach through all the talking, thinking, crying, and trying to understand.
And in that moment, I felt it leave.
I will tell that story in much greater detail, because it deserves its own space.
But for now, I want to tell you what happened afterward.
I smiled.
Not the polite smile. Not the reassuring smile. Not the smile that says, “I’m fine,” when I’m anything but fine.
I mean a real, genuine, completely unforced smile.
The kind that uses muscles in your face you didn’t even realize had stopped working.
I came home realizing I hadn’t authentically used some of those muscles in years.
Years.
My circumstances hadn’t magically changed. My past hadn’t been erased. And I certainly hadn’t figured out every answer to life’s complicated questions.
But something inside me had shifted.
I didn’t feel the same weight.
I didn’t feel the same need to control everything.
And for the first time in a very long time, I could experience happiness without needing to manufacture it.
There were other unexpected gifts, too.
A group of strangers who became the Playa Playas, each arriving with our own stories, reasons, and journeys. We laughed, we cried, we respected one another’s experiences, and we found connection in a place where nobody needed to pretend to be anything other than who they were.
There was a newfound appreciation for nourishing my body, something that started with the retreat detox and has followed me home into my kitchen and daily routines.
And perhaps most importantly, there was a realization that healing doesn’t necessarily mean becoming someone new.
Sometimes it’s about rediscovering the person who was there all along, underneath everything life piled on top of her.
I’ll share more about the ceremonies, the people, the emotional releases, the spiritual experiences, and the lessons I’m bringing into everyday life.
Some stories will be deeply personal. Some will be funny. Some might sound a little unbelievable.
But they’ll all be mine.
I went to Costa Rica knowing I was broken and hoping I could feel better.
I came home feeling something I hadn’t genuinely felt in a very long time.
Joy.
Not artificial peace. Not manufactured happiness.
Real joy.
And with it, a genuine smile I fully intend to keep using.
To be continued…
Commit to Sparkle. ✨ Freedom Shines.
